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Boater Suppression

Satire

Boater Suppression is on the rise in Midwest

Around election season every year in the Midwest, there is a drastic reduction in the number of boats floating in Midwest rivers and lakes, or what is commonly referred to as boater suppression.  Many boats are lost in dry docks, storage sites, garages, and driveways. It’s an issue that people are starting to take notice of and take action.  

“Boating is as American as apple pie,” opined Luke Depooter, “to take away the right to boat, well, it’s sad and the government should do something about it.” 

This is why a record number of boaters have shown up this October in support of the Trump campaign. A simple Facebook search reveals many private groups, some with 15,000+ members that love America, boating, and telling the world about Donald Trump. Trump has promised to end boater suppression by withdrawing from the Paris Climate accord and rolling back environmental regulations on greenhouse gas emissions in an effort to increase global temperatures, reduce ice levels, and raise sea levels for boaters in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Michigan. In contrast the Biden campaign favors efforts to reduce global temperatures and carbon emissions for the health of the entire planet. This is good news for the majority of the world, but a nonstarter for boaters in the Midwest states. Frozen lakes and rivers restrict boating access and the only real strategy is to move to a warmer location like Florida or store your boat for the winter. These are two expensive choices Midwest boaters would rather not make.

When asked which choice he would make Depooter responded, 

“I am not moving to Florida. They have alligators for one and hurricanes are growing stronger and more frequent. Plus, when climate change really gets rolling in the next decade Florida, Mississippi, South Carolina, Louisiana, Texas, and other lowland states will be under water. I would just be forced to move back to the Midwest in a few years. Nope, I fully support climate change and kicking up the planet’s thermostat a few degrees so we can enjoy Midwest lakes and rivers all year long. This is a long term decision for me and my family, but really not that far off if you listen to the scientific community. I will sacrifice and store my boat now to enjoy it later.”

It is clear the issue of boater suppression is a complex one that has deep undercurrents in this year’s election. Come November, the forecast for boaters appears to be a chilly one. Trump is downstream in the polls to Biden, but this has not deterred ardent republican boaters from trolling the airwaves for support, waving flags, and casting their ballots for the candidate who is more than comfortable in hot water and on a mission to end boater suppression in the Midwest. 

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